Canine Confidential

An Advice Column for People Who Love Their Dogs (Possibly Too Much)

Max: (gnawing on a pencil) Remind me again why I have this.

Bubba: Not as a dietary supplement. We’re starting an advice column.

Max: Cool. (Runs in a circle) I’m jiggy with that. Let’s do it. (pant, pant) Uh, what’s advice?

Bubba: It’s what Mom always gives Dad.

Max: Oh. You mean the stuff he never listens to.

Bubba: Except when she bribes him with the last ginger snap.

Max: Ginger snap crumbs. Oh, boy, Oh boy! (Wrestles with the pencil) How do you hold this, anyway?

Bubba: Use your thumb.

Max: Don’t got one.

Bubba: Oh, yeah, huh? (Takes the pencil from him). Okay, then, it’s settled. We’ll type our answers.

Max: Answers. Yeah. I can do that. Uh, what do we answer?

Bubba: Questions.

Max: You mean those words with the hooky-dotty thing at the end?

Bubba: Right. (Rips open envelope with her teeth). Here’s one: “What’s the best time to take your dog for a walk?”

Max: Ooh. Ooh. I know. I know. “Right now.” (Spins repeatedly until he falls down dizzy on another sheet of paper and reads it). This one asks: “Should you train your dog to fetch?”

Bubba: Easy. “Not without checking your state’s dog labor laws and rules governing the weight of the object to be fetched.”

Max: Wow! Governing! You’re good at this.

Bubba: (Buffing her toenails on a sofa cushion) I know.

Max: So, do we just keep on making up questions?

Bubba: No, we wait for people to write them in the comment space down below.

Max: (peering under the sofa) I don’t see anything down here.

Bubba: (sighing) Down below this blog.

Max: (Chewing his tail) I knew that.

Bubba: Right. And I just grew an opposable thumb.

Max: Okay, so what do we do while we wait for people to write something?

Bubba: I guess you could always chase a squirrel.

Max: Squirrel? (Runs full tilt into sliding glass door then collapses in a heap). Where?