It’s
a little-known fact (so little known, it’s impossible to confirm or deny) that
your humble blogger was the winner of the 1957 Bandon, Oregon, Cranberry
Festival Talent Show. This was the precursor to the off-key marching band
procession through all four blocks of downtown Bandon and the accompanying majorette-tripping
free-for-all and cranberry fling-a-thon.
Being
9 years old, tubby and a born smartass, I’d selected “I’m a Little Teapot,
Short and Stout” as my crowd-pleasing musical selection. Later, the other
entrants claimed I had an unfair visual advantage being both diminutive and
tubby, i.e. short and stout. But others, not so sour grapedly, admitted my arm motions
accompanying “This is my handle, this is my spout” were things of beauty.
I
won a $25 dollar savings bond, which I wisely cashed in for its face value of
$14.37, and invested in a stack of “Captain Splurgo” comic books and a five-pound
bag of Choco-Yummies. (Later banned by the FDA). Mmmmm, Choco-Yummies.
It’s
a fact, America (and the world) does love talent competitions. There’s one
streaming on TV somewhere as I speak. Uh, type. I recently stumbled across a news
article about a live show held by our neighbors to the north, Walla Walla,
Washington. You know, Walla, Walla, the city so nice they named it twice?
Cleverly,
the amateur performance extravaganza was titled “The Walla Walla’s Got Got,
Talent Talent Show Show. Clever Clever, no? No. I was stunned and/or amazed by
the width, height and circumference of the acts that took the stage.
· The Heliumaire’s:
Apparently, this was a barbershop quartet who trilled helium-aided falsetto 4-part
harmony of old-timey favorites. Mid-medley they inflated long-nozzled balloons
and twisted and tied helium critters for the kids. Apparently the crowd
favorite was “Sweet Adeline” segueing into a balloon Labra-doodle licking
himself.
· Bucky, the tap-dancing
beaver. A nature lover in full furry regalia, including enormous plastic teeth
and repurposed spatula tail tripped (Literally. You try doing a time step in a
Beaver suit) the light fantastic to the tune of “Up a Lazy River.” No word
where he found size 28 tap shoes.
· The Coagulators: A surly leather-clad
all-girl group that snarled their way through a medley of songs from the
Rolling Stones “Let it Bleed” album.
Other
performers included “Marvin and his roller-skating Corgi,” “Lucious Lola” who
pole danced while reciting a sonnet comprised of Donald Trumps’ lies and broken
campaign promises, and the Varicoastal’s, an eighty and older chorus line who showed
off their pulsing veins while low-kicking across the stage to the tune of
“Funkytown.”
And the winner of the first and only Walla Walla’s got got talent talent show show? Ventriloquist Vinnie Vroom and his mumbling sidekick, Larry the lounge lizard. Which, apparently was a gecko hand puppet decked out in a custom tux.
I wonder where Vinnie spent his $14.37. Maybe someone, somewhere has a hoard of mummified Choco-Yummies they’ll sell him.
