Thank God it's over!!!

 

I recently underwent the second most unpleasant procedure known to mankind. The first, of course, having your nose eaten off your face by a family of voracious weasels. But at least with the weasels you don’t have to drink the vile slurry they give you to clean out your nether regions prior to a…

COLONOSCOPY !!!

I could actually feel a group shudder as you read that word.

First of all, let me say that the staff at the Oregon Clinic Endoscopy Center (east) could not have been nicer or more helpful and compassionate than they were. They made the experience slightly less gruesome. That being said . . .

UGH!!!

As anyone who has undergone one or more of these procedures knows, the prep is far worse than the actual event. After all, they give you some great drugs and you snooze while they’re reaming.

But three days without solid food, (when lime jello becomes a highlight of your lunch hour) and swilling a full gallon of what had to have started its life as tailings from a toxic mining operation, seems much longer than what the clock is telling you.

 My older brother Ray, when I told him what I was facing commented; “You know, I’ve gone 96 years without having anyone put a camera up my keester. I think I’ll hold out a bit longer.” You know, if you’ve lived that long, you’ve probably done something right.

 Alright, alright, I know I’m being a bit of a gloomy Gus here. Colonoscopies are useful medical tools for discovering and treating a whole family of ailments. Unpleasant but necessary. But only once every 5 years, thank God. I won’t know until the biopsy results come in, but hopefully I’ve got nothing happening up there.

 There were a couple of upsides to the whole process. Dr. Ken Flora was upbeat and thoroughly professional. As were the various and sundry nurses. After I woke up, one them, I think maybe Staci, was telling me all the things I shouldn’t do right away because of the anesthesia. “Don’t operate any heavy machinery” she told me. Check. I’d have to put my afternoon manipulating a front-end loader on hold. “Don’t drink any alcoholic beverages.” Okay, happy hour is postponed till Wednesday. She continued with a serious look on her face. “And don’t make any significant life altering decisions.” I thought about it. “So, I should postpone starting my late-in-life career as a nude pole dancer?” I asked. This made her grin. Which made the whole pre, during and post procedure worth it.

        Bottom line. Don’t postpone getting your colon checked out. It’s not really that bad and could save your life. Plus, you’ll get some dandy photos of a part of your body you’d never see otherwise. I’m thinking about getting some wallet-sized prints made. Then, the next time I’m asked to show ID somewhere, I’ll just whip one of them out.

 On the way home we found ourselves in gridlock on I-205 out of Portland. In what had to be a masterstroke of cosmic irony we were stuck behind a panel truck bearing the logo of MR. ROOTER. Wait! I thought. You mean they’ll come right to your home? Is there a clown-festooned Mc-oscopy outlet with a drive-up? You just stick your fandango out the passenger's side window and they take care of it right there. I can almost hear the attendant/nurse’s voice now:

 “You want fries with that?”