Simply The Best

 

Proudly Presenting !!! 

            BEST OF

                CLARK COUNTY

                      2021

Perusing a recent Sunday Columbian over my morning coffee and strawberry-smothered waffle, I picked up the section paying tribute to our local faves. This yearly ritual involves purveyors of food, drink, herb, entertainment, health and beauty, home and garden, sports and fitness, metaphysics, spot welding, trapeze artistry, white magic, and various and sundry other occupations and fixations, all urging their friends and fans to vote them into the vaunted position of head exalted poobah of the niche they fit into.

          Maybe I’m sounding a tad cynical. I’ve never fared well at popularity contests. Perhaps I’m permanently embittered by only finishing third in the high-school balloting for “most likely to be down at the pool hall if anyone needs to know where I am” competition. I finished 238^th in a field of 237 in the “cutest Senior boy” voting.

          Still, I decided to try to approach the publication with an open mind. Lets see now: “Best Towing.” Now how can you apply objective criteria to that category? Your car didn’t slide off the truck and into oncoming traffic?

          Best Budtender? Won by Jerrel Mean of High-5 Cannabis. Hmmm. What exactly does a Budtender do? Do they measure the pupils of his customer’s eyes after they sample the product he’s “tended”? Count the number of “Whoa, Dudes” he got on Yelp? ”There were three awards that went to marijuana-related categories. Now, historically, being of the “Dave’s not here!” school of marijuana purchase and usage, this feels extraordinarily bizarre to me. I have never a smoked legal joint in my life. It just doesn’t feel right passing a spliff around without the imminent threat that you might have to flush your entire stash down the toilet. Fear-driven adrenaline always enhanced the buzz.

          Moving on. “Best Happy Hour.” How do you measure that? Stroll through a bar between five and seven in the afternoon and count how many people are grinning? “Best Piercing?” Is that measured by the number of holes punched? Or by the most unusual places their customers have hung metal danglies? Here’s one of my favorites. “Best Disaster Restoration.” Holy crime scene, Batman!!!

          I suppose this is a truly American kind of exercise. Competition is a big part of who we are. And we feel compelled to rank things. First, second, third. Gold, silver, bronze.

          We really need more categories, so everyone could be voted best at something. Here are a couple I’m in the running for: “Best slow but stubborn lap swimmer.”  “Top Baritone Ukulele player with fat fingers.” “Gold medal in combining bizarre leftovers with egg whites for breakfast.”

          I could go on and on, but I won’t. After all, I’m in the running for “Most succinct blog by a retired Disc Jockey.”