Customer non-service

 

         Hatred is a very strong and poisonous emotion. So, I’m not one to throw the word “hate” around willy-nilly. Hatred should be reserved for those who truly deserve it. The people who hijacked airplanes and brought down the twin towers. Adolph Hitler. Darth Vader.

         I don’t “hate” people whose opinions I disagree with. I don’t for example “hate” Ted Cruz or Marjorie Taylor Greene. Instead, I marvel at the sheer blast furnace intensity of their stupidity. I don’t “hate” kale. After all, it’s an inanimate object. In fact, I have reached a grudging detente with the noxious green, leafy miscreant, eating it in salads to appease my health-conscious wife.

      But there is something I truly hate. With all of my spiteful and unforgiving heart. Automated telephone customer service lines. And their nearly-as-evil cousin, website service portals with their circular “endless loop” of customer-ditching software.

         Let’s be clear. This method of avoiding people with problems that need to be solved is unrelated to actual customer service. Companies take this approach for several reasons.

1.   They don’t have to hire or pay actual people to answer the phone. This makes corporate profits inch upward. (Read: someone’s third yacht)

2.   Chances are the pesky customer will pass out from their level of frustration and reawaken to forget what their issue was about. 

         I just spent an entertaining and raucous afternoon of listening to Carolyn trying to cope with the cable company’s telephonic purgatory by shouting, bellowing, and finally screeching at her telephone (between throwing things against the wall of her office).

          “Huuuuuuman being. I want to talk to a huuuuuuuuman beeeeeeeing!!!

        Her despair, anger, and frustration boiled out of her office on a snarling red tide of vitriol. It was, I must say, most unladylike. But I felt her pain. A simple task involving adjusting our account information could have been solved by any semi-competent person with decent interpersonal skills in a matter of say, 5 minutes. Instead, three hours of her life was gone, vanished, never to be recovered.

        I wonder if this “one size fits all” approach to communication could be extended to international politics. For example, the famed “red phone” which links our president with Russia’s HMFDIC. (Head Moscow Frupper Directly in Charge.

Recorded Voice: Hello, you’ve reached the Kremlin’s hotline automated response line.

President whoever: I need to talk to Vladimir. Now! It’s important.

R.V. If you’re calling because you’ve detected our missiles on their way to your cities, please hang up and make your way to the nearest underground shelter.

P. W. No, but there’s a major problem. I need Vladimir on the line, now!

R.V. If you’re calling to protest our incursion into Ukraine, hit one on your keypad.

 P.W. That’s not it. Everybody knows that sucks. But so will . . . Okay, if I can’t talk to Vladimir I’ll settle for whoever’s nearby!

R.V. If you wish to leave a message, please hit two on your keypad. Someone will get back to you by the end of the year.

P.W. (clearly losing it) Human Being. I need to talk to a human being.

R.V. For a list of our planned military takeovers, hit number three.

P.W. (screeching and throwing things) Huuuuuman Beeeeeeeing. Huuuuuuman Beeeeeeing!

        Between this and automated checkout machines at stores, it’s clear that soon the reason for humanity to exist will shrink to a short list. 

1. To feed, pet, and walk dogs. 

2.To be ignored by cats. 

3. To post stupid memes on Facebook. 

Okay, Okay, I understand. It's wrong to hate anyone at any time for any reason. But with such an egregious example I'm sure you'll understand if I'm weak.