Me and Ma Nature

By Mike Nettleton 

I’ve always had a tenuous relationship with nature. Which is to say it both amazes me and scares me (bleep)less.

Once, while staying in a cabin on the property of Carolyn’s mother and father in the Catskill mountains of New York, a sound from outside the window made me sit bolt upright in bed. It was a loud, electric, hummy-chirpy-buzzy sound that seemed to envelop the whole structure.

“Relax, town boy,” my wife reassured me. “It’s just katydids. Go back to sleep.”

“Katy-whoozits?” My teeth chattered as I asked. “Are they predators?”

“No, silly, they have no desire to break in here and eat your brain.”

“Y . . . you’re sure?”

“It’d just be a light snack for them, anyway. They’re bush crickets. Insects. And this time of year, they’re in love.”

“Oh,” I said. “So, the sound they’re making is just katydid talk for ‘Hey baby, what’s your sign?’”

She snorted, punched me in the shoulder, and went back to sleep.

The other day, a coyote walked down the middle of our street, big as you please, and spent some time casing the neighborhood. They’re impressive-looking wild dogs and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want to encounter one while perambulating about. I made a note to myself to try not to look like a rump roast the next time I took a walk to the park and back.

I decided knowledge is power, so I Googled up “fun facts about coyotes” and came up with a sampler.    

• Coyotes are omnivores. Which means they don’t just eat small critters like rats, birds and schnauzers but are also partial to berries, vegetables and fallen fruit. So, if you’re worried that you might encounter one of these wild dogs, you might want to carry some broccoli with you.

• They’re monogamous and mate for life. Which makes coyote prenup agreements unnecessary paperwork. 

• They are fassssst! They’ve been clocked at 35-43 miles-per-hour. Contrary to what the cartoon would lead you to believe, they’re almost twice as fast as a roadrunner. However, it is true that they’re prone to ordering products from the Acme company that will blow up in their faces or fall off a cliff and brain them.

• Coyotes are, by far, the most vocal wild mammals in North America. Researchers have identified 11 different growls, huffs, woofs, yips, howls, whines, and yodels coming from the beast. (You can tell the ones that yodel, they’ll be wearing lederhosen.)

• And finally, this. Coyotes adapt well to city life. The one we saw on our street is not unique. Urban coyotes are less shy and more likely to eat cats, pet hamsters, and human-made food than their rural cousins. They’ll also munch ornamental fruits and seeds from non-native species like figs, grapes, and palms. Reportedly, (and this is especially timely with Christmas on the horizon) they are one of the few creatures on the planet that will voluntarily devour fruitcake.

 Well, it appears the coyote is still in the neighborhood. A quiche that was cooling on a windowsill has vanished and there are reports of yodeling in the vicinity. A neighborhood posse has been assembled to look for a neighbor’s missing duck. The pitchforks and blazing torches are a nice touch.

I’ll be honest, the idea of a renegade coyote in the vicinity spooks me a little. But at least no one has reported hearing any katydids.