How am I doing so far? Are you buying this?
1."Somebody." This mysterious and mischievous individual
is responsible for a number of nefarious deeds and small
domestic disasters. Most recently, Carolyn bellowed down
the stairs at me, "Somebody didn't screw the lid down on the
pickle jar tightly enough." I cowered beneath the pool table in
my office, pretending the high-end hearing loss I’d suffered
during my 42-year radio career had, just that minute,become
2. “Somebody Else." This person often bears the brunt of the action taken by “Somebody,” as in, "Somebody Else tried to pick it up and the jar exploded, spilling pickle juice all over the bottom of the refrigerator.
3. "A Certain Person." Now this is where things get a little blurry. In certain situations (such as the now infamous pickle-juice-all-over-the-bottom-of-the-refrigerator incident, it appears that "A Certain Person"is an alias for "Somebody." Witness part three of the bellow. "'A Certain Person' needs to get off his big fat duff and come clean up this big mess." In case you wonder why "Somebody" might need an alias, I have it from a good source at the FBI that he’s wanted for questioning in connection with a multi-state crime spree involving destruction of private property with pickle juice and, in one case, assault with hot dog relish.
4. "Mr. Oblivious." This guy seems to have a lot of problems figuring out where things are located in the house especially after another undocumented residential stowaway has finished her most recent round of "I'm tired of where everything is, lets rearrange everything just for the hell of it." Her name of course is—
5. "Ms. Tee Hee." When pushed into a conversational corner by "Somebody," "A Certain Person," or "Mr. Oblivious" about her actions, motives, convenient memory lapses, or occasional bouts of unexplainable behavior, her first and only defense is, "Tee Hee." Luckily for her she's cute enough to pull this maneuver off and the mention of her name always ends any potentially contentious conversation.