The hicking f---ups

 

by Michael Nettleton

Isn’t the internet wonderful?

(For those who didn’t pick up the sarcasm, you may want to check the batteries in your irony-detection alarm. They may be running low.)

But seriously. The internet eliminates the need to go out on the street, flag down total strangers and ask them for medical advice. (Depending on what part of town you hit, the answers can be interesting and/or bizarre)

For example: I’ve got hiccups. Long term hiccups. Like a week and counting. They’re not painful, just annoying and psychologically debilitating. They sometimes let up for short periods, then reappear. To quote Winnie the Pooh, “Oh bother!!!” I’m headed to my primary care physician today to ask her advice.

My unqualified, unsolicited online advisors have counseled me to (a) hold my breath for 3 minutes (as if) (b) gobble a spoonful of sugar, (peanut butter, chopped jalapeno, your favorite vile substace, et al) (c) Stand on my head and pant like a chihuahua on a hot day (d) join a chronic hiccups support group and get a t-shirt.

For the record, I’ve tried most of the online advice to no avail.

In trying to negotiate my health care providers automated telephone system to set up an appointment with my primary care doctor, I found myself explaining my condition to a nurse-triage representative. She urged me to go to the emergency room post haste.

        I considered it briefly. But then I visualized myself in a scrum with other patients. (voice of a nurse Ratched character) “Yes, Mr. Forsgren, I’m sure the injuries you sustained going through the winshield in that head on collision are painful. And Mrs. Clatter, so sorry about that heart attack. But we have priorities. And Mr. Nettleton here has a week-long case of the hiccups.

        I took a pass.

 So, I’m scheduled to see my doctor this afternoon. A smart, highly competent, trained medical professional who will offer me some scientifically-proven advice on how to address my singultus problem. (maybe my emergency room paranoia might be quelled if I use the scientific name for the condition)

        I'm visualizing the scene in the doctor's office.

        “So, Mr. Nettleton, have you tried breathing into a brown paper bag filled with acai berries? Chugging avocado juice? Or standing on your head in a corner and wiggling your toes repeatedly?

        I’ll report (hic) back.