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Friday, December 4, 2015

What they'll say about me.



“I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.”

 Maybe it’s the gray, nasal drip rain of December mornings in the Northwest. Or perhaps it’s a product of waking up in the morning, looking in the mirror and blurting out “Holy &*^%&*&^%$ I’m 67 years old. Like George, I find myself scanning the obituaries in the morning paper, (after reading "Pearls Before Swine") and wondering what my death notice will look like.

The same phrases turn up in many of the final tributes: “Devoted family man;” “Loved bowling and his grandkids;” “Enjoyed travel and gardening;” and so on. Nothing wrong with any of that really. But does it really capture the person? Does it provide the essence of the unique and imperfect human being who shuffled off this mortal coil? One day I’d like to pick up the paper and read something like this.
            Frank would have had a much longer and fuller life if not for that idiot who delayed him for a nanosecond at the green light on 33rd and Columbia.
            Francine liked to dress in colorful clothing and was once mistaken for an exhibit at the Museum of Modern Art.
            Bruno’s crowning achievement was his virtuoso performance of Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” using only a pair of spoons and his underarms.
            Meg was voted “girl most likely to be listed alphabetically” by her high school class.
Charlie had three 300 games to his credit. Unfortunately he was a golfer, not a bowler.
Shellie had a rebellious nature and was a true contrarian. Unfortunately her efforts to always be “out there” never received any public acclaim. It’s fair to say she was (wait for it, wait for it,) “A Rebel Without Applause.”
Eldon’s life was summed up by something his mother said when he was 8. “That boy is a real stinker!”
Dolores exhibited an almost uncanny grasp of the obvious.
I think my own obituary should list the major achievements in my life.
            Mike held the distinction of being fired from the same radio station twice under different ownership.
            The artistic pinnacle of his career was making a battleship out of scotch tape when he was 10.
            Is the only known example of someone’s wardrobe requiring an environmental impact statement.
            Will always be remembered in the Vancouver theater community for his bravura performance as The Wardrobe in C.S. Lewis’ The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. Received a regional Tony award for “Best depiction of an inanimate object.”
            Never, in his entire life made a list, had a plan or knew where he left his reading glasses.
 I hope that when that morning comes, and I read my own obituary in the paper, that whoever wrote it is entirely honest about who I was and how I lived my life. Actually, I’d rather they kept it brief.
            Mike Nettleton: He came, he lived, he loved, he tried hard but sometimes screwed up, he treasured every moment with those he cared about. He was fun while he lasted.

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