HOW DOGS VIEW VACATIONS
By Bubba and Max.
Max: (nudging Bubba awake) Hey, I found out what it was that we did with Mom and Dad in the car.
Bubba: (opening one eye) What?
Max: We took a vay . . . a vake . . . an evacuation.
Bubba: No, that’s what you do out in the garden.
Max: Oh, right. I remember now. Mom called it a vacation. Is that what it was?
Bubba: Nope, vacations are supposed to be fun. This was just a long ride. I mean, a loonnnggg honkin’ ride.
Max: Well, it kinda was, but it was fun, right?
Bubba: Fun? We had to take little pink pills every morning. And I got real sleepy and got in my bed in the back seat but you had to be special and ride on Mom’s lap almost the whole way.
Max: (hanging his head) The pill made me needy.
Bubba: (sputters) You started at needy. The pill made you pathetic.
Max: I can’t help it. I’m a purebred dog. I have papers.
Bubba: So do I. Out back of the hot tub. I squat on them to pee.
Max: Well, when we were on vacation in Los Angeles, I peed on a palm tree. And a prickly cactus. Did you see that?
Bubba: (yawning) I saw it.
Max: And that hedge. It was long. Really long.
Bubba: Six whole feet.
Max: And I got the whole thing at once. Hop, pee, hop, hop, pee. Did you see how I held my leg up the whole time?
Bubba: Truly awesome. Except for the fact that your tank was empty.
Max: Was not.
Bubba: Was so.
Max: Temporary condition. Did you see me squirt that agave? And that huge pile of snow at Mt. Shasta?
Bubba: Nope. Missed that. (Turning to get more comfortable on the sofa) So, a vacation is all about squirting on new things?
Max: Um . . . I guess.
Bubba: Then next time I’ll stay home.
Max: And miss the exciting stuff? Like when you had to pee at 1:00 AM and the door lock stopped working at the motel in Williams, California, and the manager had to break the window and we had to move to another room.
Bubba: I lost an hour of sleep.
Max: And miss the part where I tried to jump up on the bed but slipped on the floor and missed?
Bubba: Okay, that was pretty funny.
Max: And the part where I got a new harness—black and silver—way cooler than my old one.
Bubba: It’s all about you, isn’t it?
Max: And the part where we almost went to the Walk of Fame?
Bubba: But Mom was afraid you’d poop on a star.
Max: Never happen. I have pinpoint accuracy.
Max: I wonder if we’ll go back next year.
Bubba: How long is a year?
Max: Two times February?
Bubba: You sure it’s not four times squirrel?
Max: Four squirrels? Where?