Tuesday, January 8, 2013

How Dogs View Vacations


By Bubba and Max. 


Max: (nudging Bubba awake) Hey, I found out what it was that we did with Mom and Dad in the car.

Bubba: (opening one eye) What?

Max: We took a vay . . . a vake . . . an evacuation.

Bubba: No, that’s what you do out in the garden.

Max: Oh, right. I remember now. Mom called it a vacation. Is that what it was?

Bubba: Nope, vacations are supposed to be fun. This was just a long ride. I mean, a loonnnggg honkin’ ride.

Max: Well, it kinda was, but it was fun, right?

Bubba: Fun? We had to take little pink pills every morning. And I got real sleepy and got in my bed in the back seat but you had to be special and ride on Mom’s lap almost the whole way.

Max: (hanging his head) The pill made me needy.

Bubba: (sputters) You started at needy. The pill made you pathetic.

Max: I can’t help it. I’m a purebred dog. I have papers.

Bubba: So do I. Out back of the hot tub. I squat on them to pee.

Max: Well, when we were on vacation in Los Angeles, I peed on a palm tree. And a prickly cactus. Did you see that?

Bubba: (yawning) I saw it.

Max: And that hedge. It was long. Really long.

Bubba: Six whole feet.

Max: And I got the whole thing at once. Hop, pee, hop, hop, pee. Did you see how I held my leg up the whole time?

Bubba: Truly awesome. Except for the fact that your tank was empty.

Max: Was not.

Bubba: Was so.

Max: Temporary condition. Did you see me squirt that agave? And that huge pile of snow at Mt. Shasta?

Bubba: Nope. Missed that. (Turning to get more comfortable on the sofa) So, a vacation is all about squirting on new things?

Max: Um . . . I guess.

Bubba: Then next time I’ll stay home.

Max: And miss the exciting stuff? Like when you had to pee at 1:00 AM and the door lock stopped working at the motel in Williams, California, and the manager had to break the window and we had to move to another room.

Bubba: I lost an hour of sleep.

Max: And miss the part where I tried to jump up on the bed but slipped on the floor and missed?

Bubba: Okay, that was pretty funny.

Max: And the part where I got a new harness—black and silver—way cooler than my old one.

Bubba: It’s all about you, isn’t it?

Max: And the part where we almost went to the Walk of Fame?

Bubba: But Mom was afraid you’d poop on a star.

Max: Never happen. I have pinpoint accuracy.

Bubba: Not.

Max: I wonder if we’ll go back next year.

Bubba: How long is a year?

Max: Two times February?

Bubba: You sure it’s not four times squirrel?

Max: Four squirrels? Where?


  1. I am enjoying the Deadly Duo. Looking forward to the next episode.

  2. Okay, did they pee on the squirrels? Huh? Did they?

  3. Love to hear about Max and Bubba. We don't have pets. Gloria says house breaking me and the two boys was enough for her.

  4. David, LOL. Tell Gloria she deserves a medal.
    Melanie, the squirrels are much too fast. Which is fortunate for them.