More dribblings from the deep end.

I know there are some around me who will claim I’ve gone totally off the deep end. Not true. Okay, okay, I have my doolalley days but for the most part I’m mostly, kinda, sorta, possibly all there. Or somewhere nearby. 

I do enjoy my exercise routine in the deep end of the community pool at the Marshall Center. Despite Carolyn’s claims that I am just “mucking about in the water ogling the lady lifeguards,” there is serious intent to “build up my core.” Whatever that may mean. Ogling? C'mon. Really? Ogling a definite no. Appreciating. An innocent yes. 

Earlier, I wrote about the Deep End Divas who circle in the middle of the area like baby sharks chumming for minnows and talk about all manner of important topics like their hair, their nails and their bitch of a daughter-in-law. Occasionally, I hear them giggle and even laugh out loud and I’m tempted to paddle close to overhear what’s so damn funny. (Satan, keep thee behind me)
Today, as I was mucking about ogling the lifeguards (oops, I mean building up my core) I saw a young snorkel thrasher, semi-intent on swimming some unrealistic number of laps from my end to the far end and back. Before long, the open area in the middle of the lane I was M . . .king about in was occupied by a not unattractive young woman, also swimming laps. (albeit in a much more relaxed fashion)
    Now, I should admit that “young” is a rather liquid term in my codger vocabulary. It basically means anyone without grey hair and washboard wrinkly skin. Anyone who thinks "the sixties" is the temperature range between "the fifties" and "the seventies." The two principals of this anecdote were probably mid to late 30’s. Or possibly 40’s. Or even early 50’s. I’ve gotten very bad at guestimating age.
To make a long story short, (too late, I’m thinking) they stopped and talked at one end of the pool, smiling, gesturing and laughing. It was evident they’d just met. Soon, they were paddling back and forth alongside each other, the length of the lane and back.
    I felt like I’d just watched the opening “cute meet” episode of a Rom Com. Or the beginning of "The Love Boat." Funny, sticky sweet and predictable. Next thing you know they’d be living together, buying an espresso machine and talking about how many kids they wanted to have. Or maybe they’d just hook up. Who knows?
People watching is an added bonus when building your core. An observation about lap swimmers. There are two basic kinds. Gliders, who stroke silently and powerfully for extended periods of time and use a narrow alley of water and Thrashers, who yank their arms and legs out of the water and after throwing them to the side, slap them back down on the surface. Or onto another swimmer, whichever is closest. Their philosophy is “Hey, I’m swimmin’ here! Get outa my way!!!” One of those attractive lady lifeguards will one day have to referee a fistfight.
        One other note on a totally unrelated topic. (A distasteful dripping from my leaky brain pan.) The information age is a wonderful thing. Except when the information is something you really didn’t want or need to know. Like the latest thing the drooling eedjit in the White House has said or done for example.
        I’ve become addicted to googling anything that triggers my curiosity. For example; after cooking up a batch of my favorite New Mexican recipe for a red chile pork and hominy stew called posole, I began wondering what it’s roots were. So, I did what I always and searched online.  
        Its beginnings were with the Incas who revered the food as having spiritual significance. Traditionally, after one of their periodic human sacrifices, they’d whip up a batch to consecrate the ritual and celebrate the life of the late sacrificee. (If you’re squeamish you may want to skip the next part). The meat they used was not pork, as in my recipe. They used (ooh, ick) whatever was close at hand. Waste not, want not.
        Well, that’s about it for now. Time to crawl out of the water and go muck-about on the official curmudgeon recliner. With luck, maybe a lifeguard will pass by.

Early Learning Back in the Day

 Carolyn J. Rose

 

If you can remember the early 50s, cast your mind back as you read. If you can’t—if you’re too young, or your memories are blurry, or you’ve spent decades trying to forget and have finally succeeded—that’s fine. But here we go, here’s my take on education in those days.

 

 

Oddly—perhaps because of the dearth of options, my grandmother read to me from a book of stories by Nathaniel Hawthorne, stories like “The Great Stone Face.” Did I understand what that was about? Nope. Thinking back, I doubt she even briefly considered moving on to his novel, The Scarlet Letter. And I’m relieved. If she’d attempted to explain adultery I think she would have blushed so intensely her face would have blistered.

Unfortunately, the kinds of books kids learn on now weren’t around; we grappled with the so-called adventures of bland and mindless characters like Dick and Jane. Sure, there were exciting stories and books, but they contained long words and complex sentences. We needed adults to explain and unravel as they read tales like Treasure Island and Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea. In an age when TV was black and white and kids’ programming sadly lacking, this was great stuff, even with only a few drawings to supplement the text. We used those as springboards to “fill in the blanks” with our imaginations. Those tales became fuel for made-up games and occasional nightmares about pirates and giant squids.

 

But, moving right along. With literary experience under my belt, and with a Hopalong Cassidy lunch box in hand, I set off for the one-room schoolhouse a mile away. There were two of us in the first grade, no one in second, one girl in third, and a sprinkling of kids in the grades above up to high school level.

 

I looked forward to finishing lessons and being allowed to draw along the bottom of a chalk board gray from years of use, to bang chalk dust from erasers, and play with the View-Master or look through the older kids’ history books for maps and pictures of pyramids and the Founding Fathers in their wigs. I also looked forward to lunch—I still do—and recess and the days Mr. Hearn brought his dachshund along. I can’t recall the content of the lessons, but I know they were of the bare-bones variety—drawing numbers and letters with thick pencils on cheap wood-chippy paper, sounding out a few simple words printed in a worn book, counting pictures of apples or cats. Bored between lessons, I’d scooch up toward the front of the room and listen to older kids reading and answering questions about history or math or science.

I see kids now watching videos, playing with fascinating educational toys, and reading books brimming with action, colorful characters, and loads of drawings or photos. I envy them. But I wonder if my imagination would be as powerful if I hadn’t had to work it so hard in order to “fill in the blanks” of my early education.

 

Eggs and Attitude

 

Carolyn J. Rose

In the early 50s in the Catskill Mountains we got our eggs from a farm on the next ridge.

I remember my mother wiping each one with a cloth dipped in a bleach solution. I remember asking why and being told, in a cleaned-up kind of way, about other things that come out of a chicken. I remember not wanting anything to do with eggs after that, not realizing they were in cookies and cakes and the cheese souffles I loved.

Later, we purchased eggs from the nearby general store or from a supermarket farther away. I remember my mother complaining once that the price of eggs had gone up—to a whopping 60 cents a dozen. A nickel an egg.

I chuckle about that now when I’m considering the four eggs left in the carton in my refrigerator. Should I use them for waffles or cookies or sell them and buy a blended coffee drink or a new set of tires?

What I wish I could chuckle about are the people who believed the current resident of the White House could make those prices go down overnight. I could say “I told you so” to several people I encounter regularly, but I won’t. I could ask “How’s that working out for you?” but I won’t. I could bring up bird flu and supply and demand and the size and scope of the economy and all the factors at play. But I won’t. Instead I will pass them by, walking on eggshells as I do.

I don’t know what a carton of eggs costs right now at supermarkets around here. I do know many markets are taking losses to keep shoppers coming. But how big a loss are they willing to take? And for how long?

In the meantime, I have those four eggs in the refrigerator. Until they ease too far past their best-by date, I consider them an investment.

 

Decisions, Decisions

Mike Nettleton

 I've been mulling over what I wanted to address in my next blog. Several topics came to mind, including:

Eating Tablespoons of Ice Cream Over the Sink--A lost art form. 

Only days until Donald Trump is inaugurated: What were we thinking?

Recognizing and controlling your personal dark side.

A tribute to the late Jimmy Carter.

Various and sundry mind droppings.

What would Captain Curmudgeon (my alter ego) do? In my own confident (but not swaggering) inimitable (today's page from my word-of-the-day calendar) forthrightly decisive style I've picked . . . (the dots denote thinking) 

All of them. Yeah, that's the ticket! I'll write about all of them. Whew !!! I'm glad that's over. 

YOU ARROGANT PRICK!!!

 My own angry voice echoed back at me in the high-domed expanse of an indoor community swimming pool. The occasion? A flailing, head-down lap swimmer had once again failed to stay in his lane and had thumped me alongside the head with his forearm. To add insult to injury he growled "You should do your stuff in the shallow water!!!"

YOU ARROGANT PRICK!!!

The words were out of my mouth before I could think about the consequences. Like, for instance, the chance he could hop out of the water and beat me to death with one of his swim fins. Worse yet, with one singular move I had destroyed my reputation as a smiling, mellow, considerate (and rakishly handsome) senior citizen who wouldn't harm a fly. With the events of the past few days, a zealot mowing down innocent pedestrians in New Orleans and a demented man blowing up a Tesla in front of Trump Towers in New York, the realization hit me: the potential for anger and violence lies buried in all of us. With some it's very close to the surface. I vow to keep a cap on my temper. And to avoid public places where large numbers of people gather. Maybe, the next time I'm clubbed by an out-of-control swimmer I'll yell:

ENJOY YOUR SWIM !!!

Onward. As witnessed by the previous segment, I've never been very good at impulse control. Vowing to eat wisely is a New Year's resolution that is dead in the water before its toes even leave the diving board.

 I've dieted. I've lost weight. (and regained it rapidly) I work out 5-6 days a week and try to eat kale salads prepared by my loving and concerned wife. And still, I carry an extra 30-40 pounds around. I can blame unfortunate metabolism, stress (I really don't have much) or Republican politicians, but the truth of the matter is, I'm weak. I am, therefore I snack. And the ultimate, most soul-satisfying form of snacking is eating a heaping tablespoon of good ice cream over the sink. Let's face it. the 8-year-old kid who learned how to make people laugh to deflect from his tubbiness is now a 76-year-old curmudgeon who still tries to use laughter to keep bystanders from looking too carefully at his body. 

Back on the blog-o-cycle: 

My theory is that a superior race of outer-space aliens with a sick sense of humor and a mind-melting ray gun zapped us on election day. There's no other rational explanation. How any woman (review the things Trump has said about and done to women) person of color, descendant of immigrants (pretty much all of us) or organism with even a flutter of brain function could have voted for this guy, defies any kind of logic. It's like the American people are the submissives in a gigantic S and M for hire scenario and we're chanting in unison, "Beat me, hurt me, make me write bad checks." Okay, so I've vented. At least I didn't yell: YOU ARROGANT PRICK!!! in the direction of Mar-a-Lago. I wouldn't want the others in the gene pool thinking poorly of me. 

Jimmy Carter. Sad to hear of his passing. Jimmy Carter lived a long and admirable life. No American president has been more wrongly bad-mouthed by the political right than Jimmy. While in office, he lobbied for peace, helped promote legislation that benefited the common man, and behaved in a kind and noble way. After leaving office, he continued to work to help the less fortunate. Contrast this with the Republican greed-is-good proponents who followed him and it's clear he will stand the test of time as a great American. Plus, his brother Billy was vastly entertaining in a drunken, drooling, mumbling kind of way. 

We'll survive 4 years of Tonald Drump. And in my travels to different parts of the world I will continue to apologize for what we've done. With any luck, I'll live long enough to see a sane person ascend to the presidency. 

Thank you for forgiving my outburst. And thank you in advance for being kind and caring. It's a quality we need a whole lot more of. Perhaps some of it will leak toward Washington D.C. 

 

Eating Under the Influence

Carolyn J. Rose

 

When the bathroom scale flashed a number I’d love to see for the stock I bought last year, I stepped off and tried again. (Right, you never did that.) When the same number flashed again, I slunk away, admitting my crime—eating under the influence. EUI.

 

I don’t mean the influence of drugs or alcohol.

 Sure, those substances can stimulate appetite while suppressing good sense, but plenty of other things can trigger an episode of EUI. Little mundane things. Broken shoelace. Stuck zipper. Bad horoscope. And then there are the huge and scary things. Like . . . well, I’ll leave those to your imagination. Whatever causes stress, it’s a major contributor to EUI.

 Stress can manifest suddenly, perhaps due to an accident, a relationship break up, a letter from the IRS, or the outcome of an election. It can develop slowly due to grinding educational and career pressures, the whiplashing demands of a boss from hell, or the strain of sustaining a marriage made in the same place.

 But there are other factors contributing to EUI. And studies conducted right here in my home office have revealed benefits to snacking. For example, aches and pains may subside after ingesting a few chunks of chocolate. Self-doubt frequently fades with each bite of quality mac and cheese. And munching popcorn brings clarity to sorting the pros and cons of everything from picking a paint color to donating a kidney.

 Finally, without doing a lick of scientific research, I’ll hazard a guess that there are genetic and environmental components contributing to EUI. If your parents had the tendency toward EUI and were frequently engaged in EUI during your formative years, it could seem normal.

 Of course, there are those for whom stress doesn’t lead to EUI. I’ve known people who lost their appetites when stressed. Those people couldn’t understand how a gob of peanut butter soothed my clenching gut. (Simple: it gives the gut something to clench around. And since it’s sticky going down, it’s more likely to stay there.)

 Unlike driving under the influence of controlled substances, there are no legal penalties for stuffing your face while impaired. So if you’re using a soup ladle to gorge on ice cream from the carton, don’t look over your shoulder for flashing lights. Don’t listen for the throb of a siren or a gruff voice ordering you to step away from the freezer.

 What you might hear is your conscience suggesting you try exercise instead. But if you’re like me, you’re a pro at ignoring that pesky little voice in your head.

Fog

 

Carolyn J. Rose

Awakened in the middle of the night, I didn’t need to open my eyes to know what the streetlamp would reveal. The fog horn on the Columbia River clued me in.

The sound took me back to my early childhood and a visit to relatives somewhere on Long Island. The deep and mournful fog horn was like nothing I’d ever heard. 

Not like the Woodstock fire siren that screamed every day at noon. Not like the beeps and honks of cars and trucks and tractors. Not like the throb of a police siren.

It was dark when I heard that fog horn years ago, so I didn’t see the fog. To my disappointment, it had lifted by morning. But I felt it must have been something spectacular to require a horn, something more than I saw in the Catskills. 

Fog there skulked through the trees, rising and falling and sifting to the ground again as if it had been scattered by a feather duster.

I can’t recall seeing fog when I lived in Arizona. And the fog I recall in Arkansas had a uniform quality, more like gray smoky air. Fog was rare in Albuquerque, but once appeared at the base of the Sandia Mountains in a thick band like a giant snake slithering along the foothills. “Smoke,” excited callers told emergency dispatchers. “Something is on fire.”

When we moved to Eugene, I experienced fog with a vengeance. In the Pacific Northwest, fog only occasionally comes in on those poetic little cat feet. Usually it rolls over us like a tsunami. In Eugene a tide of fog filled the valley, and stayed. And stayed.

It slid up the hills like an avalanche in reverse. It was dense and cottony and cold. It frosted limbs and lawns and reduced visibility to a few yards. 

Driving home from work along a road without striping was disorienting, surreal. Signs and side roads were invisible. Until they weren’t. Headlights appeared as blurry blobs floating in milk. Sounds were distorted. Distances uncertain. I’d roll my windows down and creep along, listening for the crunch of gravel indicating I was on the shoulder, monitoring any tilt from the horizontal that meant I’d steered too far toward a ditch.

The first few evenings I viewed the drive as an adventure. Then as an endurance test. Then, after two weeks or more, as a form of physical and psychological torture.

I still dream about that experience and wake up in a cold sweat. Especially on nights when the fog horn moans.

You Gotta Be-Leave

 

Carolyn J. Rose

Ever walk by a tree in autumn and wonder what leaves say to each other as they cast off from their home twigs?

Needless to say, I have. I’ve actually stood in a shower of yellow and crimson leaves with my head cocked, listening.

I heard only a faint flutter, a slight wisk of sound. Probably the breeze.

Undaunted, I lingered, imagining what I might hear if I was a lot more in tune with nature and—to be honest—if I possessed an inner voice that shut up once in a while.

Here, for your reading pleasure, are utterances from the treetops as I imagined them.

“Hey, watch me do my helicopter impression as I fall.”

“Not bad. But how about this swan dive?”

“Swan? That looked more like an overweight penguin. Now, get a load of these moves. Branch to branch to branch and a final twirl. Ta da. Olympic quality, right?”

“Just like Simone Biles. If she was wearing a straitjacket and had concrete blocks on her feet.”

“And you can do better?”

“You bet. I’ll make you so green with envy you’ll think your chlorophyll is back. I’m waiting for just the right updraft so I can sail into the sky.”

“Sail until gravity grabs you, you mean.”

​“Gravity, schmavity. I’m aerodynamic, baby. I be-leave in myself. Get it? I’m gonna ride the wind.”

“Ride it for a fall.”

“Maybe, but I’ll see the world first.”

“If you see the next block you’ll be lucky. And you might land in the street instead of on the grass or in a garden.”

“So what?”

“So, the street sweeper’s coming tomorrow. You’ll be sucked up and ground to bits with dirt and trash from the gutter.”

“Huh. Well, I’m not afraid of a little dirt and gutter trash. But, uh, maybe I’ll just hang on for a bit and enjoy the sunshine.”

“Not behind me you won’t. I’m not a windbreak.”

“Hey, don’t push. I’m losing my grip. I’m fall—”

“And there he goes.”

“Oooh. Smack into the trunk. That’s gotta hurt.”

“And a faceplant on the lawn. So much for the power of be-leaf.”

“Yeah, it’s sad. But you know, now that the blowhard is gone, I’m feeling the power of re-leaf.”